This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast food establishment. Not sure if they hired him…
Name – Armando Rodriguez…
Desired Position Reclining. Ha ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
Desired Salary $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education Yes.
Last Position Held Reclining on my mom’s couch.
Salary Less than I’m worth.
Most Notable Achievement My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason For Leaving It sucked.
Hours Available To Work Any
Preferred Hours 1:30 – 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do You Have Any Special Skills? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
May We Contact Your Current Employer? If I had one, would I be here?
Do You Have Any Physical Conditions That Would Prohibit You From Lifting Up To 50 Lbs? Of what?
Do You Have A Car? I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’
Have You Received Any Special Awards Or Recognition? I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Do You Smoke? Only when set on fire.
What Would You Like To Be Doing In Five Years? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
Do You Certify That The Above Is True And Complete To The Best Of Your Knowledge? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Dear Staff: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.
Surgery: As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Interview strategies for technical and professional’s useful tips and guide to cut through the hype and confusions-jumping right to what work and what doesn’t.
A recruitment expert with many years of experience helping national and international firms recruit key executives, you are about to learn what makes or breaks a job interview.
How often have you wished that you had mastered soft skills along with all your technical knowledge?Â
You may be right on top when it comes to all the know- how but what’s the point if you can’t ace an interview?
Highly qualified people often find themselves unable to express their expertise in important and career driven situations. How can you change this?
Help is not far away. In fact, Interview Strategies for Technical Professionals is just the kind of help you can use. This remarkable tips and guide is a handy treasure trove of important information that can just about make or break your career.
Everyone knows that the first step to building your career is to be able to get a job in a world class organization. So, you cannot possibly fail here at the very first juncture. Interview tips for technical or professionals will help you cross this important milestone without any problems.
This useful tip offers technically sound professionals with some fantastic advice on how they can handle interview situations perfectly. Some people are more socially adept than others and can understand what every situation requires. Some people however, need a little nudge.
Guidelines for Interview Preparation and Strategies:
1. Find everything you can about the organization.
2. Get as much information about the job as you possibly can.
3. Use your network to find someone who holds a similar position ask them in details about their responsibilities, challenges, opportunities as well as the key characteristics necessary for success.
4. Plan your approach.
5. Anticipate the key skills, knowledge, and key characteristics that could be required for the job.
6. Include the stories arising from previous point.
7. Create a brief outline of the key points you want to get across in the interview jot them down.
8. Go through the question provided today and plan your responses with this specific opportunity in mind.
9. Think of at least 3 questions that you could ask each interviewer.
10. Think of at least 3 reasons for your interest in the opportunity and 3 compelling reasons for the organization to choose you for this role.
11. Think about the dress code for the industry sector and organization on the night before the interview.
12. Check your outfit and accessories only healthy food and beverages and get good night’s sleep.
13. Take extra copies of your resume. Do not weigh yourself down with an over-sized briefcase.
14. Do something to control your nerves and emotions. (Walk, deep breathing exercises, meditate, pray).
